


Weight of Living

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [15]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-06-27 21:38:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Simon stumbles upon Raphael just in time to stop him from making a very serious, and very permanent, decision in the wake of his sister's death.





	1. Weight of Living

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr Prompt: "You could have died!" ~ for any characters
> 
> Trigger warning for suicide attempt. (But also I swear there are some softer moments at the end! <3 )

It’s entirely by chance that Simon comes across Raphael when he does. The sun is just starting to rise over the tall buildings of the city around him and he’s far from the Hotel Dumort, a precaution he takes ever since he nearly exploded Raphael with his Mark in that alley. At first it was to avoid Raphael: the older vampire made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with him unless he was willing to join his clan, or tell him how he became a Daylighter, and since Simon was unwilling to do either of those things he knew better than to hang around where they were most likely to cross paths. After Raphael left town it was to avoid Heidi, who managed to charm herself into heading up the now leaderless Brooklyn Clan in Raphael’s sudden absence. Heidi is reckless, impulsive, and a constant threat not just to mundanes and Shadowhunters but also to her own kind, leading them down a dangerous path. Simon wants no part of it. He’s doing just fine on his own, or so he tells himself time and time again until he almost believes it. 

And while he might not be  _ fine _ , at least he doesn’t have a death wish. 

Simon doesn’t even see Raphael right away - it’s the smell of burning vampire flesh that hits Simon’s heightened senses first, and he follows it with speed that surprises even himself in his urgency. A million scenarios run through his mind - a young vampire who didn’t give themselves enough time to get to shelter before the sun rose, or maybe someone being held outside against their will, chained up like some animal and left to die. 

What he doesn’t imagine in any of those million scenarios is that he’d see Raphael Santiago sitting on the top of a small hill in the cemetery. He is alone, and there is nothing holding him there besides his own impressive willpower; and it looks like he’s using every last ounce of it he has. Simon can see where the sun hit his outstretched legs first, moving from his feet up to his ankle, and calves, now working its way up towards his knees. He’s digging his hands into the dirt below, biting back as much of the scream he can no longer keep in as possible. 

Simon is on him in a second, throwing his body over Raphael’s legs to shade them against the rapidly rising sun. “What do you think you’re doing?!” Simon demands, eyes wide, words laced with panic. 

It takes Raphael several long seconds to regain enough composure through the pain to be able to vocalize a reply. “Just… go.” He says, not answering the question. “This is... none of your concern...  _ Daylighter. _ ” He manages through clenched teeth, and Raphael’s glare lands on Simon whose back is to the sun, entirely unaffected. The sun is clearing the building behind them faster than Simon’s comfortable with - soon his small frame won’t be enough to shield Raphael from the entirety of the sun’s rays. 

Without thinking Simon’s grabbing Raphael, arms cradling underneath his torso before he’s on the move, putting as much of himself as possible between Raphael and the rising sun while he rushes him into the nearest building. He goes  straight for the basement before he’s comfortable enough to let go. The moment he does Raphael makes for the door again, and if it wasn’t for the fact that the injuries he already sustained to his legs were slowing him down Simon might not be able to cut off his escape back into the sunlight as Raphael reaches the top of the stairs. 

“Let. Me. GO.” Raphael says, the words holding a strange mixture of both a fiercely violent demand and desperate plea. He’s fighting against Simon but it’s no use in his current state. Simon holds him back as the thrashing continues, arms wrapped tight around Raphael to keep him in place. The constriction only makes Raphael struggle twice as hard at first before the panic and rage fade away and he slows, and then stops moving entirely, body shaking as it falls into Simon’s firm hold on him. Raphael allows the younger man to hold him again, carrying him back down into the safety of the basement. Simon goes to place Raphael down but Raphael’s gone limp, so instead he walks him over to a corner that seems to be entirely out of the danger zone of the single small window at street level of the basement, setting him down gently onto the cement below. 

“What is your deal?” Simon demands, standing over Raphael. “You could have died.” 

Raphael remains silent, gaze held firmly on the charred flesh of his lower legs. He does not show half the pain he feels, in part because he feels so empty that even the physical sensation of pain is dulled in this moment of utter despair. In the growing silence a look of realization finally crosses Simon’s face - he was so busy being surprised, caught up in the rush of adrenaline reacting instinctively in the moment, that he doesn’t even consider the possibility until just then. 

“You  _ wanted  _ to die.” Simon’s words are softer now, losing all the anger from before. 

“You should’ve left me there.” Raphael doesn’t lift his gaze. He doesn’t sound angry, or even sad - his tone is hollow, eyes empty, despite the few tears that escape without his notice. 

“Raphael, I--” Simon tries to start, but the words fade quickly. He doesn’t know what to say after interfering with the suicide attempt of a guy he’s pretty certain still hates every fiber of his being. There isn’t a guidebook for this particular social scenario. Instead he walks over and sits beside him on the floor, back against the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest. He’s close enough that his shoulder and arm just barely touch Raphael’s. It’s hesitant, but when Raphael doesn’t flinch away Simon relaxes his body next to him, leaning into the small bit of contact a little more naturally. They sit that way in silence for several minutes before Raphael speaks. 

“I just wanted to watch the sunrise with Rosa one last time.” He sounds so calm, in spite of everything that just happened. “Running  the Clan, having Rosa, even when she didn’t remember me… They were everything that kept me going. And now I’ve lost both of them. Mi madre used to tell us: ‘ _ La familia no es una cosa importante. Es todo.’ “  _ He smiles almost fondly at the phrase. Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.  __ A life without my family is not one I care to live any longer.” 

Simon shifts to face Raphael a little better, but Raphael’s gaze is still firmly rooted on the ground. His mind is grasping for the right words to say, for anything that might help. 

“What about Magnus?” Simon asks suddenly, and that draws Raphael’s attention. 

He finally looks up and over at Simon. The slightest downturn at the corners of his lips and the barely-there tremble beneath his words are the only signs that this is the last thing he has to care about.  “He’ll understand. He’ll be angry for a while, but I know he’ll understand. He stopped me from doing this once before, you know. When I first turned. He convinced me to stay for my family, and I did. I did all of this for them.  But now I’m just so tired, Simon.” 

Simon slips his hand into the pocket of his jacket, trying to send a text to Alec to get a hold of Magnus before Simon was in too far over his head here. He barely hit three buttons on the phone before Raphael’s attention is on him fully. 

“I can hear you typing,” he says, accusingly.  This is clearly not something he wants broadcast to everyone on Simon’s contact list. In fact, it’s not even something he wants Simon to be aware of, but here they are, and there’s no taking it back now. The least he can do is make sure every Shadowhunter in New York doesn’t hear about it before noon. 

Simon looks sheepish. “Right. Sometimes I forget-” he trails off making vague hand gestures at his ears to indicate the heightened senses. “I was going to message Alec. Not to tell him anything--” Simon adds quickly. “Just to get Magnus here.” He pauses, hesitating. “Can I… will you let me do that? Please, Raphael?” 

Something in Simon’s voice catches Raphael off guard. After the way he treated him before, everything he’s said and done to push away and isolate the young vampire, he doesn’t know why Simon bothered to save him in the first place. And here, now, he can find no reason for the concern in his tone or the fear in his eyes. 

“Why?” 

“...why what?” 

“Why do you care? What makes you think I’m worth saving?” He sounds so passively curious, as if they aren’t currently debating the worth of his continued existence.    
  
“Because one day this might be me.” Simon admits, voice barely above a whisper. “One day my friends and family will all be gone, too, and I hope I have someone around who cares enough to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my recently very extended life.” But it’s more than that. He isn’t just doing this because he feels morally obligated to - no matter how often Raphael pushes him away, Simon always gravitates back to him. After Camille. After the Soul Sword. After the Seelie Queen gave him the Mark. Simon doesn’t know any other vampires, he has no other connections to what he is now. He didn’t realize how much he relied on having Raphael to always come back to, wanted or not, until just now. Maybe Raphael needs him as much as he needs Raphael sometimes. “You’re not alone, okay? At least, you don’t have to be.” 

Raphael can’t process the fact that Simon is even still here, let alone the idea that he might care whether he lives or dies and what that might mean beyond the surface. Raphael looks from Simon to the small set of stairs leading to the daylight above. Of the two, the idea of allowing Simon to call Magnus seems far more daunting somehow. It takes him over a minute of silence to make up his mind. 

“Alright.” 

Simon’s hands are pressing the keys before the two syllables are fully spoken. There’s silence, the vibration of an incoming text, more typing, and another alert. 

“He’ll be here soon,” Simon says finally, the words escaping in a sigh of relief as he sits back against the wall again. Simon sits so close they’re touching again, almost as if he’s afraid to lose contact with Raphael or else he’ll make a run for it again. As the weight of everything seems to settle in on Raphael he very slowly allows his head to fall to rest on Simon’s shoulder, hesitantly tensed at first until he knows Simon isn’t uncomfortable or won’t flinch away before he relaxes fully onto the support, allowing the weight of the world to feel a little lighter with the promise of not having to bear it alone. 


	2. Eternity Hangs Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus get's Simon's message, and arrives to help Raphael start to pick up the pieces, offering what advice he can from the perspective of someone who's been there before.

When the phone vibrates on the bedside table Alec groans, expecting it to be someone from The Institute calling him in. When he sees it’s from Simon he nearly ignores it entirely but something doesn’t feel right. He has to read it twice before he turns to look at Magnus, not sure what to say to him. He simply stares, biting anxiously at his lower lip. 

“Don’t tell me you have to leave so soon?” Magnus asks, rolling himself over to face him properly. He catches the look on Alec’s face and his instinctively teasing expression switches to concern. “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s Raphael. He’s-” Alec starts, but at the name Magnus is already sitting up. If Alec is getting messages about Raphael it can’t be anything good. “He’s fine,” Alec adds quickly. “Simon messaged me, he’s with him. It’s just-” Alec’s having trouble finding the right words to say, so instead he hands his phone over to Magnus and watches with a heavy heart as Magnus freezes, tense with dismay and sorrow, before he’s up and on the other side of the room calling Cat to beg for an emergency portal while he throws on the first pieces of clothing he can find. 

All it takes is one glimpse in the mirror at his makeup less face, hair falling flat to the left, to remind him that he can’t just magic it all into place before he leaves. He doesn’t have time to dwell on his own problems today, for better or worse. Cat responds within minutes and Magnus is gone without hesitation. 

When Magnus shows up as close as Cat can get him  he goes to the address Simon sent, heading straight down to the basement. He slows just outside the door, taking a moment to compose himself. Magnus doesn’t want Raphael to see him out of breath and beside himself with the terror he felt since reading Simon’s message. Raphael will need him to be calm. He’ll need him to be more okay than he is right now. 

When Magnus finally crosses through the threshold into the basement and sees Raphael shaking in the corner, head buried deep against Simon’s shoulder, that calm nearly breaks. 

Simon looks up first, an attempt at a half-hearted smile at the sight of the warlock turning to nothing more than a grimace. He does, however, look very relieved to see someone else here to help him deal with Raphael, and Magnus doesn’t blame him. Simon is still so new to all of this. To Raphael and the way he deals with things, to the mere concept of  _ immortality _ and the weight that holds after so many years. Raphael is young by vampire standards, but by mortal ones he’s lived a lifetime. 

“Hey,” Magnus says quietly. Raphael doesn’t look up but his shoulders tense and still. 

“Hey,” Simon repeats back, voice barely above a whisper. “Thanks for coming.”   
  
“Of course.” Magnus waits in silence for a minute. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to say. Simon’s presence, while he’s infinitely grateful for his intervention at the right moment, makes breaching this conversation with his old friend a little more difficult. Simon seems to sense Magnus’ hesitance and goes to stand, only to falter at the still-there weight of Raphael leaning against his side. 

“Should I-- are you okay if I leave, Raphael? I can stay if you want-” 

“No. You may go… please.” Raphael insists while shifting himself to the side. “Thank you, Simon.” 

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll see you later, if you’re staying in town?” Raphael doesn’t comment on the prospect of that one way or the other and Simon doesn’t question the silence he receives in response. “Right. Going. Just… take care of yourself, alright?” He doesn’t wait for an answer before giving the most encouraging look he can muster and leaving the basement. 

They’re alone, and Magnus moves to stand beside the vampire, motioning to the space Simon previously occupied. “May I?” 

Raphael begins to nod, pauses, then shakes his head slowly instead. He speaks in short clips, biting back the pain he feels in his burned legs through clenched teeth. “Actually, can we go somewhere else? I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t-” He looks up and towards the direction of the cemetery. It’s so close still, he can make it if he tries hard enough, and the longer he’s this close to it ( _ to her _ ) he can barely think of anything else. 

“Anywhere,” Magnus agrees instantaneously. He has an inkling that Raphael doesn’t want to go to the Dumort. “I’ll have Cat black out the Loft and we can go there for now?” He waits just long enough for Raphael to nod in agreement before sending a quick message to Cat. 

The burns on Raphael’s legs are starting to heal a little, but it’s a slow process. How long was he planning this? How long since he last fed? Magnus hates that he can’t help heal the injury. He can’t even ease the pain his friend feels. He’s useless. 

“I’m sorry.” Magnus says into the silence. He isn’t sure if he’s apologizing for his lack of magic, or for not being there for Raphael earlier, for missing the signs that something like this might be coming. 

“Don’t be.” 

They wait in silence until a portal opens up in front of them. 

“Ready?” Magnus offers a hand to pull the vampire up and keeps it held firmly in his grasp while Raphael wraps an arm around Magnus’ shoulders, leaning heavily into him for support. They walk through the portal with Magnus supporting almost all of Raphael’s weight; he’d carry him through if he didn’t think the vampire would detest the very thought.There are already candles lit in the apartment when they step through into the otherwise pitch black living room. 

“There we go,” Magnus says, leading Raphael over to the sofa to rest again. “I’ll go see what blood I have lying around.” Raphael leans back on the sofa and closes his eyes, remaining that way until Magnus returns with a large glass full of blood. “Here.” It’s the best he can do - the blood in his system will help speed up his healing. It isn’t magic but it’s a start. “I can call Cat to come-”   
  
“No,” Raphael pleads. “I did this to myself, I can handle the consequences. It’s bad enough you and Simon have to see me like this.” 

Another silence falls between them as Raphael sips slowly at the thick red liquid, eyes downcast to avoid Magnus’ unyielding gaze. There’s a weight that sits between them, one that Magnus isn’t sure how to go about addressing. They haven’t spoken in person since Raphael fled town, though they did speak briefly over the phone after Magnus was filled in about Heidi. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation, and the idea that it may have been the last one he had with Raphael isn’t a thought that sits easy with him.  

“Do you want to talk about Rosa?” Magnus asks finally. 

“Yes,” Raphael replies without hesitation. “But I’m not sure I can.” He frowns. 

Magnus nods. He understands that better than he wants to. “Okay.” Magnus takes a deep breath, mentally bracing himself. He can’t skirt around this like it isn’t a big deal. He can’t pretend this is just a casual social visit. “Do you think you might try something like that again?” 

This time Raphael isn’t so quick to answer. “I don’t know.” Magnus feels a pang of anxiety over the answer but does his best to keep it from showing. He needs Raphael to trust him, and he needs this conversation to be honest. He’ll get neither if Raphael feels the need to say what he thinks Magnus wants to hear just to placate him. “I don’t think so.” 

“Okay.” Magnus repeats. He’s still standing several feet away, leaning against the arm of the sofa, giving Raphael his space for now. “Why didn’t you come to me first?” 

“I left you a letter, if that makes you feel better.” 

“It most certainly does  _ not _ .” 

Raphael actually smiles a bit, a light chuckle of surprise escaping his lips which are tinted a deeper red from the blood he drinks. He feels better already, his body diverting the energy it gains to healing his injured legs. “Fair enough. I didn’t go to you because I knew you’d be the only person who could talk me out of it. I knew you would forgive me in time.” 

“Well then, you don’t know as much as you think you do. Your death isn’t something I would ever get over, not this century, or the next, or the hundreds that may follow. I could probably afford to say it a little more often, but I care about you, Raphael.You know that, don’t you?”

“I do. You’re the one person I have left to disappoint. You’re the only one I left an apology for before going out there this morning.” 

That statement hangs between them as both a comfort and a burden. Neither one of them is holding anything back, but that’s the way it always is between them. Or at least, the way Magnus always  _ thought _ it was, before he realized Raphael lied to him about the dagget root he used on Heidi. 

“I’m sorry for what I did to Heidi.” Raphael continues after only a short pause, as if reading Magnus’ mind. 

“...you’re only saying that because you got caught. You’d do it all over again if you thought it’d give you more time with your sister.” Magnus doesn’t phrase it as a question - he knows him well enough by now to know the answer.  

Raphael considers this for a moment. He considers his answer carefully, but he’s too tired to lie. He’s too exhausted, physically and mentally, to weave webs of half-truths and clever words to manipulate the reactions he wants. The vampire sighs. “I would. I hate that I would, but… I would.” He turns his face away from Magnus so that he can’t see the tears that threaten to fall before he can control them once more. “I miss her. It isn’t fair that I have to go on without her. That I wasn’t there for her in the end.” 

“Oh, my sweet boy,” Magnus says, finally crossing the space between them to sit next to Raphael on the sofa. He wraps an arm gently around Raphael’s shoulders. “Nothing about the life of an immortal is fair, certainly not the amount of loss we must endure in our very long lifetimes.” There is no doubting the darkness sitting behind Magnus’ eyes as his mind drifts for a moment or two in silent homage to those lives he still mourns in his own daily existence. 

“How do you do it?” 

“It gets easier. It never gets easy. But it gets easier. The more it happens the better you’ll find ways to cope.” 

Raphael laughs again, but this time it’s a dark and bitter sound. “Why would anyone want to get used to that?”    
  
“Because every loss means you had someone in your life worth the pain of losing. And those? The moments in between the heartache and despair? Those are what make the centuries bearable.” Magnus wishes he could say it’s easy, or even that it always seems worth it, because those would be lies. “All I can say is that I’ve been where you are, and I’m glad I didn’t go through with it, and I hope you can say the same after today.” 

It’s the best he has to offer. 

Silence settles between them again, still heavy, but a little less suffocating than before as Raphael seems to really put stock in what Magnus says to him. He finishes the blood, down to the last trop, and puts the empty cup down on the coffee table. 

“I’m tired. I think I’d like to rest, if that’s alright.” 

“Of course You can have the bedroom, it’s blacked out along with the rest of the Loft. Help yourself to any of the clothing in the drawers to sleep in... I’ll be here if you need anything at all.” 

“Thank you, old friend.” 

Magnus makes a quiet noise of contemplation. “I don’t believe I’m the one you should be thanking.” 

 

Raphael  is halfway down the hallway when he pauses and turns back around. “Could you let Simon know I’m alright? Tell him… tell him I’ll speak with him tomorrow.”    
  
Magnus nods, watching the vampire retreat into his bedroom, leaving the door cracked open behind him. 

 

He changes into more comfortable clothing and slips between the sheets, turning on his side and curling up slightly into himself. He closes his eyes, praying for his warring thoughts to cease for just a moment… but though he’s tired and weary of the world, Raphael cannot find the peace to sleep. 


	3. What We Think We Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rest doesn't come easily for Raphael. A few hours after they found him some of the initial shock has worn off and Magnus and Simon try to help the best they can, hoping it's enough.

Raphael isn’t positive he actually got more than a few minutes of uninterrupted rest in the hours he spent laying in bed, tucked under covers that serve as a habitual comfort more than an actual necessity. He remembers, vaguely, someone mentioning once that just laying there with your eyes closed was better than nothing even if no actual sleep occured, so he’s counting on that to get him through the few hours following the moment he manages to pry himself out of Magnus’ bed. 

Magnus came in to check on him once, but he pretended to be entirely unaware. If Magnus noticed he was awake he was kind enough not to say anything about it, turning to leave him be. 

Enough hours passed for him to come to terms with his continued existence… or as much as he could after being so convinced it was the solution he needed. Now he has to find another solution - another way to atone, another reason to stay. If he is being honest with himself, he genuinely didn’t believe anyone would care if he was gone for good. Just knowing Magnus and Simon’s reactions is enough to make a difference. 

Perhaps  _ too much _ of a difference, because Raphael isn’t sure how he can face them now after seeing the hurt in their eyes after they found him. 

Raphael cracks the door open just a bit to make sure Magnus kept the hallway entirely blacked out. He had, and Raphael moves through the darkness down the hall to where Magnus sits in the living room reading by candlelight. 

Magnus tenses slightly at the sight of him, but does his best to put a smile on his face to cover his apprehension. 

“Raphael. How are you feeling?” 

“Like death,” Raphael deadpanned. 

Magnus stood abruptly before he realized that the vampire was being  _ sarcastic _ when the slightest twitch pulled up at the corner of Raphael’s lip. 

“Glad to see you’re in better spirits,” Magnus sighs, rolling his eyes slightly. The casual demeanor is a front, they both know it, but they both allow it without question. It’s easier this way.  

“I’m not. But I thought it might help.” 

Magnus’ face softened slightly. “I don’t want you to make  _ me _ feel better, Raphael. I just want to know how you’re doing. Honestly. And however it is, we’ll start from there.” 

Raphael considers this offer for a moment. “...I should be the one asking you that. I heard  about-” Raphael doesn’t say it out loud. He doesn’t have to. 

“This isn’t about me. And, if I’m being honest myself, that’s a damn relief at this point. I’m fine and I have enough people coddling me that I don’t need to add you to the list. You don’t have to worry about me, Raphael.” 

Magnus has a point. There  _ are  _ plenty of people looking out for him. Plenty of  _ Shadowhunters _ , who would just as soon throw him in a cell as they would listen to his sob story of why he came back to the city. 

“...I should go.” Raphael starts suddenly. “Before Alexander gets back. What I did to Heidi... lying to you… I shouldn’t be here. I may not deserve the death I sought, but I certainly don’t deserve any hospitality from the two of you, of all people.” 

“Maybe you’re right, but that isn’t going to stop me from giving it to you. Or Alexander. I talked things over with him earlier and he understands how important this is - how important  _ you are _ \- to me. He won’t  say a word to anyone at the Institute, Isabelle included, for a few days. He can’t stay quiet forever but he’s agreed to give you time, considering the… extenuating circumstances.” 

So they both have things they can’t bring themselves to say, then. 

When Raphael doesn’t say anything about that Magnus lets the silence sit for a moment before speaking again.

“I had a dream last night, about Ragnor.” Magnus isn’t foolish enough to say that Ragnor  _ came to him _ in a dream, even if that was what it felt like. 

“Oh?” Raphael questions, sitting down on the sofa as well. He wasn’t close with Ragnor the way Magnus had been, but they took to one another surprisingly well, much to Magnus’ frustration. He doesn’t think about the warlock as often as he should, but when he does he finds he misses him a surprising amount.  

“Yes. It was a lovely little chat for a while, not the first I’ve had with him since his death. But before the dream ended he said, and I quote-” Magnus pauses to clear his throat, readying himself to imitate his old friend. “- ‘Oh, and tell Raphael that I know I’m his favorite, but that doesn’t mean he should be so eager to join me here’.” 

Magnus smiles, and Raphael is thankful for the dim lighting that he can hide his face in, blinking away an unexpected swell of emotion. “Yes, that sounds like Ragnor,” he agrees, shaking his head. 

Leave it up to Magnus to use a mutual friend to get him to talk. 

“If you happen to speak with him again, tell him he’s absolutely right and I’ll never make that mistake again. I’ll simply have to choose a new favorite here.” 

Magnus’ eyes widen a bit at the implication of that statement. “Do you mean that?” 

Raphael nods. “I do. I can’t say it was an impulsive decision - I put a tremendous deal of thought into it before I did… what I did.” He glances down again. “It wasn’t a choice I made lightly but that doesn’t make it right. And perhaps there was a reason I didn’t succeed.” 

The concept of fate, of destiny, of having a higher purpose in this life beyond anything he could possibly guess at or even fully comprehend; these are all things he was exposed to through religion from a young age. Those beliefs, though slightly altered now, are not the sort he will ever be able to get rid of. They are as much a part of him as his flesh and bones. 

“There was a reason. And speaking of him--” Magnus’ phone buzzes on the table, shifting a bit as it vibrates. He doesn’t need to look down at it to know who it is. “Are you up for company?” Magnus fights the smallest twitch of a smile. “Simon texted me approximately--” He looks down at a piece of paper on the table, tally marks visible in the candlelight. “Nineteen times since you got here. This one’ll make twenty.” Picking up the pen he adds a diagonal slash of ink to the page through four upright lines. “I think you should talk to him, if you’re up for it.” 

Raphael knows that Magnus will be here for him through thick and thin. He expects it - that’s why he left the warlock the only goodbye letter he wrote. It’s why he went to him when he was hurt, or lost, or full of doubt. He trusts Magnus with his life, and if Magnus believes he should talk to Simon, well… 

“I think I could handle that particular company.” The last thing he wants is the entire gaggle of stray Shadowhunters Magnus seemed to inherit along with his boyfriend to show up asking questions. Of course Magnus already said his presence here will remain a secret for now, but it never hurt to be extra certain. “Just Simon?” 

“Just Simon.” Magnus types something into the phone and gets a response back in under 30 seconds. 

“He’ll be here soon. Do you want me to--?” Magnus allows the question to hang in the air, not wanting to assume Raphael wants to be alone with Simon while not wanting to hover if he does.

“No, you don’t have to stay. Of course, you’re more than welcome to. It is your home, after all.” 

“I think I’ll just take a quick trip to the store.” Magnus moves instinctively to grab his keys and wallet and starts towards the door -- but pauses just short of opening it, hand still resting on the knob. 

Raphael doesn’t realize why at first. 

“Will you be alright alone? You’ll call if you need anything, right?” 

Oh. Magnus doesn’t want to leave him alone, not even for the few minutes it’ll take Simon to get there. Of course he doesn’t. It makes sense, of course. He doesn’t blame Magnus for not trusting him when he isn’t entirely positive he trusted himself. 

“You can wait with me.” Raphael sighs. He loathes the feeling of being babysat but it isn’t unwarranted. He brought this upon himself. 

Magnus hesitates, still facing the door with his back to him so Raphael can’t see the expression on Magnus’ face as he weighs his options. Then Magnus simply shakes his head, only turning to call back to him, “You have my number. I’ll see you soon.” 

“You will,” Raphael reassures him, listening with surprise at the sound of Magnus’ footsteps actually walking away from the Loft. 

The sudden solitude feels strange. This is the first time he’s alone in the hours since Simon found him and Magnus brought him here. Of course he can’t do much with the sun up outside for another hour, so even if he  _ wants  _ to leave he can’t. But if he wants to do something else, something worse than running away… well, the sun is up outside. He can’t lie and say the thought doesn’t cross his mind but he’s able to push it aside. 

He doesn’t think he can bring himself to face that choice again. He certainly can’t put Magnus and Simon through it a second time. 

It isn’t long before a hesitant knock sounds at the door. 

“Magnus?” It’s Simon. Of course it is, though Raphael isn’t sure if he feels more relief or tension from the confirmation. At least it if it was anyone else he could hide for a little while longer.  “Raphael?” 

Raphael stands and walks to the door, turning the lock and swinging it open. 

The two vampires stand staring at one another across the doorway in silence for several long, drawn-out moments. Sunlight filters in through the window at the far end of the hallway, but not close enough to matter - though Raphael does squint against the brightness of the hallway compared to the candlelight of the backed-out loft. 

“Come in,” Raphael finally says, stepping aside to make room for Simon to enter before closing the door behind him, easing into the darkness again. 

“Thanks, for letting me come over. I’m pretty sure Magnus was about to block my number if I asked again, so…” Simon gives a quiet chuckle, obviously forced but well-meant. “Where is he anyway?” 

“He went out, but he’ll be back in a bit.” 

Simon can’t hide the flash of concern fast enough. It feels like a punch in the gut for Raphael. 

“He left-- oh. Yeah, okay. That’s cool. So you’re, uh…” Simon starts, but shakes his head quickly. “Of course you are. I mean, Magnus wouldn’t have left you alone if he thought you’d- that you’re not--” The younger vampire frowns, growing frustrated quickly. “Sorry. I’m doing this all wrong, aren’t I?” 

Raphael shrugs. “I don’t think there’s a right way to handle talking to the vampire you pulled out of the sunlight less than 24 hours ago, if it makes you feel better.” 

“Oh, good. I thought I just missed that chapter in ‘Vampire 101’.” Simon laughs then, more natural this time, but his face immediately falls back into a half-wince, half grimace. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be joking.” 

“It’s fine, Simon. And I’m glad you’re here, I wanted to thank you.” Raphael is surprised to find how difficult it is to remain standing - how much of it is his body working overtime to heal his injuries versus how much is just exhaustion he doesn’t care to decypher. Instead Raphael makes his way back to the sofa and sits down, glancing over to see what Simon will do. “After everything I did, no one would’ve blamed you for turning your back on me the same way I did to you.”

“I would’ve blamed me.” Simon follows, but sits opposite him in an armchair. Raphael is grateful for the space, still not sure  _ why _ Simon is here, the same way he isn’t sure why he saved him in the first place.

“Consider your peace of mind preserved, then. I’m fine. And you don’t have to keep doing this.” 

Simon’s brows furrow and his head tilts slightly to the side. “Keep doing what?” 

Raphael lifts and drops his shoulders helplessly. “This. Checking in on me. Pretending to care. I appreciate it but you’ve done more than enough.” 

“Are you mad at me?” 

“Am I--  _ what?”  _

Simon frowns. “You know, for interfering. I know this wasn’t what you wanted to happen so, I don’t know. You’re pretty much telling me ‘thanks, you can go now’  so I thought maybe you were mad at me.” 

“Simon I’m not mad at you. You stopped me from making a mistake. A rather monumental, no-going-back mistake that would’ve hurt a lot more people than I considered before. I just don’t want you to feel obligated now, like you’re responsible for me or something.”

“I’m barely responsible for me, so don’t worry about that.” Simon says, voice attempting to hit a tone of levity he almost manages. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t turn everything into a joke to brush aside and ignore.” Raphael knows his sudden switch from being fine with Simon joking a moment ago isn’t fair but he can’t help it. There’s nothing dismissive about the guilt he feels.  “What I did to Heidi, to you, to the reputation of a lot of  _ good _ vampires… it doesn’t deserve forgiveness.” 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Simon agrees. “But you’d be surprised what people are willing to forgive, even when you don’t deserve it.” The younger vampire looks away for a moment. “By way of unforgivable moments, I wasn’t exactly in my best form when I used Rosa to threaten you. I never did apologize for that.”

Raphael tenses at her name, closing his eyes against the sound of it. Rosa. The reminder of why he’s here in the first place. The reminder of her loss. And the surprising flare of jealousy he feels at the sight of Simon again, remembering that he had what Raphael wanted - the ability to walk in the daylight. Simon doesn’t even  _ want it _ , but he has it. It isn’t as if Simon asked for it, and it isn’t even under Simon’s control, but that doesn’t stop Raphael from feeling an overwhelming envy that spoils any positive thoughts he could conjure up just then.  

“I’m sorry.” Simon says the words quietly, and Raphael suddenly understands exactly how Simon felt in the face of Raphael’s own apology. Because the tainted memory of one of Rosa’s last days on this Earth being leverage against him… it hurts. It hurts more than he can smile and forgive, and he knows instantly that was how Simon must’ve felt at his own words. 

“Thank you.” 

“It was stupid, and rash, and I was upset and wasn’t thinking. Not that any of that makes it better, but-” 

“I get it,” Raphael cuts in. 

Simon nods. “I figured you would.” 

They both made mistakes with one another. And if it ended with just the two of them, perhaps they could’ve made up properly. But instead, despite Simon’s willingness to go out of his way to stop Raphael from ending his life, the idea of the two of them reaching a point of being  _ good  _ again is going to take some work. 

But they are talking again. And Simon is here, for him, for whatever reason - and that’s more than enough for now. The air between them is different now than it was when Simon whisked him away to the basement of that building. With those immediate heightened emotions faded after a day of contemplation, something between them seems to settle, just a bit. 

“Are you going to stick around for a little while?” Simon asks after a lengthy silence. “Since you left things with the clan… they’re not great. I haven’t been around them much but I think they could use having you back, if you’re really looking to right some of those wrongs.” 

Raphael doesn’t answer right away. He should go, he reasons. No matter what Simon tells him Raphael can’t imagine the Brooklyn Clan actually welcoming him back. He doesn’t want to overstay his welcome at the loft and he doesn’t know where else he  _ can  _ go that would be safe for him right now, but the idea of leaving the only two people who might still care about him has Raphael facing the very lonely option of striking back out on his own and starting over somewhere new. He always wondered when that time would come, being immortal and all. He can’t exactly spend his entire life in Brooklyn, but he hoped to spent more time here than this…  

“I’m not sure yet. Magnus said he would cover me being here for a little while…” 

“So you’ll be here a few more days, at least?” 

And there it is again. That spark of hope that betrays Simon’s casual, aloof exterior. Raphael is certain he wasn’t imagining it, even if neither of them are going to acknowledge it. He considers himself lucky for Simon to even be on speaking terms with him again, let alone the foolish desire for anything beyond that, friendship or otherwise. 

But after Simon showed up where he did when he did, perhaps luck is on his side for once.  

“Yes,” Raphael agrees slowly. “I think I will.” 

“Good.” 

They sit in silence for a little while longer before Simon speaks again. “I should probably go...” Simon looks like he isn’t positive he wants to, but that it feels like the right thing to say. “I’m sure you don’t want to spend your whole night sitting here listening to me ramble.”  

Raphael shakes his head. “Actually, could you--” Raphael starts, changing his words in the middle of speaking them. “-would you like to stay?” He asks. 

“I don’t know how good I’ll be at talking about this,” Simon warned. “I already used all my best insights this morning.” 

Raphael can’t help the chuckle that startled out of him, surprised at the noise and by how easily Simon manages to provoke it. It’s followed by an immediate sense of guilt, however, because how can he possibly allow himself to feel any amusement - no matter how fleeting - right now? 

“We don’t need to talk, but I could use the company.” Raphael admits. “I don’t particularly want to be alone right now.” 

Simon nods.  “Yeah. Okay. I can do that.” He takes another moment’s pause before pushing himself up off of the armchair and crossing over to where Raphael sits on the sofa, settling in beside him - not touching, but closer, and just that much is a comfort. “I could use a little company these days, too.” 

He isn’t sure why he wants Simon to stay. A part of him wants to talk to Simon about all of this, but it feels selfish; this is too much of a burden to lay on Simon who is dealing with his own losses just then. But perhaps that’s exactly  _ why _ they should talk, both alone in their mourning.  

Perhaps they can help one another out with that, if nothing else. 

It isn’t long before Raphael drifts off, finally finding the rest that eluded him all day. And Simon, a man of his word, stays right beside him until he nods off as well. That’s how Magnus finds them when he and Alec return back about an hour later. 

“Your stray vampires are multiplying,” Alec mutters under his breath, earning him a huff of laughter and an elbow to the ribs from his boyfriend; but it’s Alec who grabs the spare blanket from the closet and drapes it over Simon and Raphael.

Raphael stirs once a little while later, startling awake, expecting to be alone again. He’s surprised to feel the weight of Simon against his side, head resting on his shoulder. He hadn’t left. The sounds of Magnus and Alec’s quiet voices down the hall mean that they’re home and haven’t kicked him out, either.

These little signs of reassurance are a comfort he doesn’t deserve, but he takes them anyway. 

And for the first time since Rosa’s death Raphael starts to believe that he might not be as alone in this world as he thought. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this, I anticipated it ending on a much more uplifting Saphael note - but as I wrote it, and after 3x11, having them end more neutrally supportive seemed to play out more naturally instead. I hope you agree, and enjoyed the final part of my Raphael post!3x10 coda-turned-divergence since we know where he's been now! <3 
> 
> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr! ](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com))


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